What 24 Years of Bad Therapy Taught Me (And What to Watch Out For)
⚠️ Content Warning: This post discusses experiences with mental health treatment, suicidal ideation, and feeling unheard in therapeutic settings. If you need support right now, please visit findahelpline.com to find a helpline in your country.
"Do you even benefit from these sessions anymore?" a psychiatric nurse once asked me when I had arrived at the session smiling.
That ended up being my last session because she thought I didn't need more therapy. And me being a classic people-pleaser with very low self-esteem of course wanted to believe that she knew better. After all, she was a professional. Why is it that people like us are so easily judged by our appearance instead of what's actually going on under the surface? Why is it that we often need to act worse to be taken seriously? Shouldn't our words be enough?
Why I Can't Just Blame the Therapists
Now, I know you want me to validate your thoughts and feelings and blame it all on the therapists, doctors, and the system. And you're right, that would be the easy thing to do. But I can't do that.
Mental health treatment is a two-way street. There are lots of different types of therapists, therapy types, and different kinds of patients. The healing starts with us. For you to heal, you need to want it. No one can just shove it down your throat or hammer it into your head.
But here's what I think is really happening: what's commonly mistaken as "bad therapy" is often that the therapy type is wrong, or the relationship between you and your therapist just isn't working. I'm not saying there aren't unprofessional therapists — there absolutely are.
The Shame Nobody Talks About
Mental health carries a strong stigma, and a lot of times we're expected to just be grateful that we're getting help. Period. Not whether it's the right kind or not. Even though mental health is more commonly talked about these days, we still carry shame with us. And depending on our mental illnesses, it's far easier to take the blame for not healing.
There's often the thought that a professional would know better, right? Even thinking about quitting or changing a therapist sounds like you're simply ungrateful for the treatment you're receiving. But when you think about it, who really knows you? Shouldn't it be the person who is carrying the pain, the shame, the sadness?
What Bad Therapy Actually Looked Like For Me
After the initial "how have you been?" or "what would you like to talk about?" — lots of therapists would just sit and listen. It would get very uncomfortable when it felt like it was all up to you to keep the conversation going.
Then there are the ones who listen for a while, and once you say something they relate to, they cut you off and start talking about their relationship, family, children, or grandchildren. What makes it worse is that you don't get a word in edgewise. They just keep talking over you. The absolute worst part was when they completely missed the point you were trying to make and just kept talking about their lives. Suddenly you had become their therapist.
I don't even know how many times I've felt like I had to pretend to feel worse just to be believed. It seems you're taken much more seriously when you mention suicidal thoughts instead of just saying you feel depressed or have bad anxiety. There have been "professionals" who focus solely on how you seem on the outside instead of putting in the work to see what's under your mask.
There have been a couple of different times when my therapy was cut off because the therapist or psychiatric nurse concentrated more on how my week had been instead of focusing on my deeper issues.
All of these incidents made me feel worse. At the time I wasn't sure why. I was too polite, too kind, too much of a people-pleaser to challenge the idea that I would know better than these professionals.
Red Flags to Watch For in a Therapist
If any of these sound familiar, trust what you're feeling:
- They talk about their own problems. Big no-no.
- They show no respect for your concerns or feelings.
- They have poor listening skills — you feel like you're performing, not being heard.
- They lack empathy. You leave feeling judged or dismissed.
- They enable unhealthy behaviour instead of gently challenging it.
You should feel comfortable with your therapist — even when therapy itself feels hard. The relationship should feel natural and safe. Like no matter what you say, you know you won't be punished for it. You should feel heard and understood, but not coddled.
When to Speak Up (Even If It's Scary)
It's time to speak up when you don't get along with your therapist — even if it's 5 minutes into your first session. When you don't feel like you can open up about anything and everything without being judged or criticized.
My current therapist has changed my view of therapy completely. She told me her boundaries when we first met — she doesn't talk about herself or her life. I love her no-nonsense attitude. She doesn't just listen to me but takes part in my thought process and sometimes even finishes my sentences.
Instead of me just talking, we have conversations where she challenges me or gives me a new perspective. I have cried, laughed, felt uncomfortable, told her "no, I don't want to do that" and still ended up doing it because I trust her. If I get side-tracked during our session, she brings us back to the topic, which I love.
The connection I have with her — that I've had since our very first phone call — has been the most important part of my healing journey. Whether I leave my session laughing or feeling like I was just handed the biggest mental slap of the century, I feel like I've been seen and heard for exactly who I am.
Your Gut Knows
When it doesn't feel right, trust your instincts. Trust that gut feeling. You are the best person to tell yourself what feels right for you. I know even the idea of having to tell someone trying to help you that you think it's not working is scary as hell. But staying in a relationship where you can't be fully honest — with your therapist or yourself — is not going to help you. It's going to keep you stuck.
A real professional will understand and support you when you try to find the right fit. And sometimes that takes time. I was looking for a psychotherapist for 8 months before finding my match. Not finding your perfect therapist right away doesn't mean you failed. Today it just means that there are too many people who need help and not enough professionals offering it.
If you're in the middle of that search right now and need something to hold onto, I created the Right-Fit Therapist Toolkit for exactly this — to help you figure out what you're actually looking for before you even pick up the phone.
Let's stop struggling in silence. Speak up. That's your right.
💚 This blog shares personal experiences and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. If you're struggling to find the right support, or need to talk to someone now, visit findahelpline.com to find a helpline in your country.