The Day I Finally Found My Right-Fit Therapist (After 8 Months of Searching)
⚠️ Content Warning: This post discusses suicidal ideation, psychiatric treatment, and the emotional weight of searching for mental health support. If you need help right now, please visit findahelpline.com to find a helpline in your country.
I was so freakin' anxious before the first call with my then possible future therapist. I suffer from social anxiety and always have to prep myself for phone calls. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to expect, so I went to my son's room, sat on his bed, and waited with my phone next to me. I was SO nervous.
I honestly can't remember what we talked about, but I do remember the feeling. I felt heard, seen, understood — but the longer the call went on I also felt excited and confused. In the end we scheduled the consultation appointment and ended the call. I couldn't believe it. Like holy crap, did that just happen? I couldn't believe someone just read me like an open book.
Wasn't this supposed to be harder? Wasn't I supposed to feel like I needed to seriously think this through instead of feeling pure joy and excitement? I didn't have to think it through. I knew. I knew she was the one I wanted to work with. It just felt right.
What the Search Actually Looked Like
I don't think I was prepared at all for the therapist search. When I finally got the proper documentation from my doctor — which was its own hassle — I started the search. I was sending so many emails to basically all the therapists I could find. I didn't even know what kind of psychotherapy I was looking for because I never got an actual answer from anyone.
For months I sent emails, and when I did get an answer — because not everyone even answered — it said, "I'm sorry but I'm not taking any more clients at the moment." After a while you get frustrated and start losing hope. You start thinking if there's something wrong with you... well, more wrong, when you can't find one damn therapist.
I did get one answer early on in my search, but there was nothing right about it. When I met her she was polite and friendly, but it was like there was a wall separating us. She didn't make me feel comfortable. Her office was big and felt more like you were invited to the principal's office after getting caught doing something you shouldn't have. I felt absolutely no connection to her, which told me right away that she definitely wasn't the one.
After that disaster, every rejection afterwards felt very personal even when my logical mind told me that it wasn't. But I think what kept me going was that I was done. I didn't want to be angry all the time, I didn't want to blow up every two months and try to kill myself. I didn't want to hate myself. I truly wanted to get better.
The Phone Call That Changed Everything
Like I said, I really can't remember exactly what we talked about, but what I do remember was that she was in charge. She set the tone of the conversation, and that made me feel secure. I didn't feel like it was all up to me. More like I was wrapped in a warm blanket and guided through the conversation, even though they were my words and thoughts and feelings.
She just seemed to get it. When I found myself struggling, she picked up exactly what I was trying to say or convey with the missing words. There was connection, understanding, and unspoken support. Even when I cried, I felt taken care of.
After we hung up, I can recall how I bubbled. There was this mix of confusion over trying to wrap my head around what just happened. Was it real, or had I just imagined the whole thing? Was it okay to feel like I knew this was it? She was the one? Was it possible to know without even meeting her?
And then the excitement: "I can't believe she did that!" "No one has ever read me like that!" "It was like she just knew!" "I really wanna work with her!"
Meeting Her for the First Time
It was a Wednesday afternoon when I walked up to my therapist's apartment building to meet her for the first time. I pushed the buzzer she had told me to, walked up the stairs, and let myself in through the front door she had left open for me — which has since become a weekly routine.
She led me to the room where there was a big comfy rotating armchair. I set my phone on the side table and put my hands in my lap, not knowing what was gonna happen. She took charge again and started by explaining her boundaries and what was expected of me if we wanted to work together. Even though she was very straightforward and strict, I felt oddly comfortable with her. I liked not having to keep all the balls in the air. I didn't have to be in control.
I told her about my relationship with my parents, about my depression and anxiety, my stay at the psychiatric ward, my emotional explosions, suicidal thoughts, and need for eternal validation. She was listening most of the time, chiming in a couple of times.
Then she brought up our conversation on the phone and said, "I thought I heard this, this, and this," and I was like, "Excuse me?" She had picked up something from the tone of my voice or the way I had been saying something, and I just couldn't believe it. I had been going to therapy on and off for over two decades, and this was the first time someone read me like that. It was incredible.
At the end of the session she asked what I thought — did I need time to think this through, whether I'd like to work with her? I was like, "Nope. I think I'm ready to commit to this." We've been seeing each other weekly for over two years now.
What Makes a Therapist the Right Fit
I think the biggest difference between my therapist and all the ones before her is our connection — which we can't even control. You know how sometimes you just click with someone? You just feel that connection. And then there are people you meet and two seconds in you know you'll never get along. Well, I clicked with my therapist.
One of her boundaries is that she doesn't talk about herself. At first it felt weird to sit across from a person I knew nothing about, but I got used to it faster than I thought. Now I understand that I go to therapy for me, so we focus on me.
Our sessions always start with her asking if there's something I want to talk about. If I don't, she'll take over. If there is something I want to address, we've agreed to talk about it for 10 minutes and then move on. Sometimes when I wander from the subject, she kindly brings me back instead of just letting me go on and on. I truly appreciate it because to me it means she actually cares about how we use those 45 minutes.
I'm so grateful that she's an active part in my sessions. Instead of sitting there and looking at me, she actively listens, offers new perspectives, and challenges me to step out of my comfort zone. Even though I know nothing about her, I feel like she's more actively present in my life than people who have literally been in my life for decades.
Signs You've Found Your Right-Fit Therapist
- You feel safe enough to say anything — without editing yourself
- They guide the conversation rather than leaving you to flounder
- They have clear professional boundaries and share them upfront
- You leave feeling like something shifted, even if it was hard
- The connection feels real — not performed
If you're still in the search phase and want help narrowing down what you need, I put together the Right-Fit Therapist Toolkit — a step-by-step guide to finding a therapist who actually fits. It's the resource I wish I'd had during those 8 months.
And remember: there's a difference between feeling comfortable in therapy and feeling comfortable with your therapist. Therapy is not supposed to feel comfortable or familiar. It's supposed to help. That's the difference.
Trust Your Gut
I knew she was my therapist when I was talking on the phone with her. I hadn't even met her yet, but I knew. It was a feeling, and everything else just solidified it.
I mean, I did feel very confused directly after the phone call because I didn't know you could just know when you've found your fit. I thought I was supposed to spend at least a few days thinking about this. Not getting so excited after talking with her that I almost couldn't breathe because it felt too good to be true.
But sometimes your gut just knows, even when your brain is trying to catch up.
Connection, connection, connection — I can't say it enough. Having a relationship that feels right with your therapist is the most important thing in my opinion. For me it was the feeling of safety I felt and still feel with her. Feeling that no matter what I said, I was safe.
You'll know when you feel heard. You'll know when someone truly gets what you're trying to say even when you can't find the words. You'll know when they guide the conversation instead of leaving you to flounder. You'll know when you leave feeling like something shifted, even if it was hard.
Trust your gut, sweetheart. Your body will tell you what you need to know.
💚 This blog shares personal experiences and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. If you're searching for a therapist and need immediate support in the meantime, please visit findahelpline.com to find a helpline in your country.