Why I'm Starting This Blog at 39 (After 24 Years of Struggling in Silence)
⚠️ Content Warning: This post discusses mental health struggles, suicidal ideation, psychiatric hospitalisation, and cancer diagnosis. Please prioritise your well-being while reading. If you need support, find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.
"I heard this, this, and this," she said during our first consultation.
Wait, what? She was repeating back things from our phone call that I hadn't even realised I'd said. Holy crap, can I feel this way? Shouldn't I be more critical? After over 20 years of going to therapy and never feeling like anyone actually got me, here was someone who could read me from a single phone conversation
That's when I knew. I'm now in my third year of psychotherapy with her, and I was 37 years old when I finally found the help I had desperately needed all along.
You Are Not the Problem
Too many people feel unseen and unheard, even in professional settings. Too many times my therapy was cut off because I seemed happier — like I was feeling better simply because I was having a good day and didn't come to the appointment crying. If you've been in therapy on and off for years feeling like no one understands you, I get it. Some therapists take your words as permission to share their own life. When did you become your therapist's therapist?
You are not the problem. Not at all. It's easy to turn to yourself and blame yourself for being too broken, too much, and not trying hard enough. So many of us were taught to push through the hard things and that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am here to change that.
What My Childhood Taught Me (Without Meaning To)
If someone were to ask me what kind of childhood I had, I'd say good, but I mostly just remember the negative events. Instead of spending 20 minutes on homework, I fought with it for two hours to get it perfect. I spent most evenings isolated in my room, sitting on my window sill contemplating whether I should throw myself down because everyone would be better off without me. I was always looking for approval and acceptance, with such low self-esteem that when a guy I had a huge crush on asked me out in high school, I friend zoned him because there was no way he could actually be interested in me.
That emotional neglect followed me into every relationship. I was anxious, insecure, bottled up my emotions, and then every couple of months when the bottle filled up, I'd get triggered by anything and blow up. My suicidal thoughts followed me everywhere.
When Crisis Piled on Top of Crisis
At 30, what started as a throat infection led to emergency surgery where they removed a fist-sized tumor and half my colon. I was diagnosed with colon cancer and Lynch Syndrome. I also went through a year and a half of fertility treatments before our second IVF stuck. Each crisis made my mental health worse.
By winter 2022, I was having full-blown meltdowns and suicidal episodes. After New Year, I didn't get out of bed unless I needed the bathroom or my husband asked me to help with our son. At a psychiatric appointment in February, I made the decision to stay at a psychiatric ward for three weeks — the best decision I'd ever made. It was the first time a doctor asked more than surface-level questions, and I truly felt heard.
The Moment Everything Changed
While there, I finally found my current psychotherapist. The fit was instant. It has been so incredibly hard to become self-aware, to learn to really look at myself and accept myself as I am — not just the good, but the bad and everything in between. What my therapist commented on was that she could see I was ready. Ready to heal. Ready for things to change.
I want this blog to be about authenticity, acceptance, honesty, straightforwardness, understanding, and support. Using my therapist's words, "Sometimes you just need to allow yourself to be depressed." I wish someone had told me that decades ago.
What I Want to Give You
I want to write about healing. What it takes. What it means. I want to be raw and real in a world where so many things and people are just that surface-level fluff. I want to dive deep. I want to challenge people to take a hard look at themselves and face their fears.
I think having found my authentic voice will help others, just like having my therapist help me find my authentic self. This isn't going to be pretty or polished. It's going to be messy and real, because that's what healing actually looks like.
What I want to give you is hope. Hope that there are people who want to listen. Hope that you're not alone with your struggles. Hope that it is possible to get better — but YOU need to want to get better. No one can do it for you.
If you feel at least a little less alone after reading this, then I've done what I set out to do. That's exactly why Jotlily exists — a space built by someone who's been there, for people who are still in it. I'd love to hear from you in the comments — does any of this resonate? Your story matters too.
💚 This blog shares personal experiences and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. If you're having thoughts of self-harm or need to talk to someone, please visit findahelpline.com to find support available in your country.